The fire is almost out

Couldn't face going to MegaTech today. I've tried every trick I know to stoke the fire that is my work ethic. I've taken vacations. I've tried sleeping in and tried getting up early. I've tried various combinations of diet and exercise. I've tried dressing comfortably and dressing professionally. I've tried focussing on the people, focussing on the technology, and focussing on the customer. I've tried some of the old anorexic tricks that I used to get myself through college: like not letting myself eat until I've completed some task. I've tried leaving every day at 5:00 without fail, and tried working late to see if I could find the zone.

But nothing works. I hate this job. I hate that I'm not allowed to do good work or creative work. Everything we do is second-guessed. I can't indent a line of code without some UN scientist telling me that his or her way is a better way.

It is sad that no one at MegaTech has ever really seen what my capabilities really are. It is sad that those few moments I've been in the zone are so rare and fleeting. I live for those moments where the world and time melt away and then there is no difference between the beauty of the math, the code, my fingers and the computer. I'm sickened by the tremendous amount of waste that Giant Robot has caused because of the innumerable cheifs with just a handful of Indians. I accomplish so little because I hate the mundane tasks that are entrusted to me.

So today, I spent all day looking for jobs, watching YouTube, and otherwise hiding in my room. Hopefully I'll have the energy to go to work tomorrow.